I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My dick has a subreddit
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
