So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
