No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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