I could make wine with my vomit
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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