I am puke
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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