Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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