I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
