i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
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Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
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No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.