Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss