i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
