my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
