drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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