I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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