If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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