haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
