I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
