The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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