she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
