he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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