When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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