watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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