you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
two words...techno handjob
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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