hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
