I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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