I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
