My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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