sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
