OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
