two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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