lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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