I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
