Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
