I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
