its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
