I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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