it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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