Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
