I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
