I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.