I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
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Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
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There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....