Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
