she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?