Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
