I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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