If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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