i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
