he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
