i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
