It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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