there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I still have a little drunk in my system
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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