Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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