Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
