We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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