just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
