We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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