I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
