Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
